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The Best Stuff

by Paul Saulnier
April 20, 2017

This company is concerned about my health and welfare in this era of bad air, bad water and bad backs. They have the best of everything. The best three pound device that will remove the germs and mildew from the air I breath for only $300.00. Its a great polishing treatment after my military grade air purifier does its thing for $575.00, while I'm treating myself with the best back and neck heat wrap that also will give me a massage for $90.00. If I have a problem with gas then the rechargeable personal air purifier ($150.00) is for me. I can wear it around my neck on the adjustable lanyard provided. And it’s silent (unlike my gas problem).

My patio is going to be the envy of the neighborhood when I put out my new lounge chairs designed by a famous Danish furniture master at $329.00 apiece and Brazilian Eucalyptus Rockers (only $250.00 each). So the bugs won’t interfere with my leisure time, I’ll need to plug in my $300.00 Mosquito Population Decimator. For extra protection everyone can wear their own personal mosquito repeller ($25.00 each). Knowing that I would be embarrassed if guests saw weeds in my lawn, this catalog knows that I’ll want to kill them with their $250.00 environmentally smart weed killing steamer.

After my leisure time is up and I’m ready for a workout, I’ll take off my superior softness silk lounge pants ($150.00) and take my foldaway stepper bike ($890.00) for a ride on the rail trail for everyone to see. Then I’ll fold it up and put it in the closet next to my compact core exerciser ($250.00) and foldaway rowing machine ($150.00) and never use it again. After a hot shower it’s on with my genuine Turkish bathrobe ($130.00). Apparently the Turks are noted for making the best bathrobes. Speaking of leisure time, the next time I’m out on the Vineyard for the weekend, I’ll look smart pulling my Sandless Foldable Beach Wagon (patent pending). It cost $150.00 but, according to the ad, it’s made of military grade fabric designed to keep out sand and dust when my helicopter lands and takes off.

Now my cat (I better get one) doesn’t have to go off to some remote part of the house when duty calls. This litter box would pass as a piece of furniture in the best homes, stores new and used litter and only costs $250.00. Some assembly required but how much could it cost to have a handyman put it together for me? I’ll pass on the Hidden Storage Side Table. It doesn’t work very well as there is a picture of it, as plain as day, in the catalog!

I'm looking for great gifts for my friends who have everything (which of course describes all my friends). How about the Authentic Himalayan Singing Bowl for $200.00 (Himalayan songbook not included). Then there’s the Superior Projection Clock, four inches tall, that displays the time and temperature on the ceiling so I don’t have to turn my head. Probably shouldn’t give someone the best LED Facial Rejuvenator ($350.00). It might send the wrong impression. How about a pair of golf ball locating sunglasses? Better not - yet another wrong impression. Here’s one: the tabletop fireplace. At 14” wide it fits on any table, runs on clean burning liquid fuel and generates 8,500 BTUs per hour. I'll add to the gift note my recommendation that the family have an up to date evacuation plan.

Next year I'll throw away all this stuff that I paid over $4,000.00 for to make room for next year's best stuff that I can't live without.


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Comments (1)

Funny stuff.

- Kevin Parnell | 4/21/17 9:56 AM



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