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There's Nothing to Worry About: A Satire

by David Bastille
August 3, 2013


I've just come from the last of Foxwoods' public presentations, prior to the drafting of a host agreement with Milford. I have to tell you I came away very impressed, and with a change of heart about this thing. I don't know what I was thinking all this time.

You'll recall that Foxwoods wants to build a big resort casino on the Holliston-Milford town line, a stone's throw away from our conservation property. That would give you pause right there, because Holliston can't vote on it and won't get anything out of it. But I tried to go into these four presentations with an open mind, and darned if I wasn't in for some pretty pleasant surprises.

Traffic, for example. I'd mistakenly assumed that casino traffic was going to tie Route 16 up in knots. But the casino's consultants have done all of these studies, and what they show is that almost all the traffic is going to come and go by 495, even your Uncle Nate from Natick. It's really very simple. What they plan to do is eliminate the exits at 109 and 85, and build these "collector-distributor" lanes, same as down in Mansfield at 140, except these are going to be placed in the median strip, not outside, and they'll be much longer, starting below 109 and ending above 85. Except the thru lanes will be the ones in the middle, see? Then there'll be turn-offs to get to 109, and 85, and also 16. That's right! Route 16 is finally going to get its own exit onto 495, just kind of a big four-lane driveway, and the entrance to the casino is going to branch off that road. So that probably means that you (and Uncle Nate) will be able to use 16 to get to 495 whenever you're heading to the Cape. Liking it!

I tell you, it pays to dream big. Actually, it does sound a little like a giant pile of spaghetti, but what do I know. Like I said, they're the experts. The feds and MassDOT are bound to green-light it all, no problem.

What's great about it is that local businesses will benefit too, Even though virtually all the casino traffic will come and go by 495, at the same time, the experts say, there will be tons of extra drivers on the secondary roads to patronize local stores, local restaurants, and... umm, wait a sec, I have to think that one through a little bit more.

Anyhow, you won't see much extra traffic on 16 is what I'm saying. It'll kind of evaporate on its way up from Milford to Holliston. Drivers from places that aren't handy to 495, the buses, delivery trucks, garbage trucks, employees' cars, and the thousands of patrons, they'll all just use 495 anyway. They just will! In the end, if traffic does end up varying "substantially" from this scenario, the consultants assure us that "we'll have to look at it." Boy, that's a load off my mind, I can tell you!

As for other impacts, frankly, they go under the heading of "None of Your Business." Still, we can rest assured: our property values won't go down, they'll go up. Only a handful of employees' kids will end up enrolling in grades K-12, and they'll all speak the King's English. Crime will actually go down, because there'll be more police. And the project is quite modest in size, really. Tiny! You'll hardly even know it's there. According to the experts, all the bad stuff you might have heard about casinos, none of it is true. None of it.

Now, you might think that the casino in the Eastern Region is going to be plunked down in Everett or East Boston, right? But look: Boston and Somerville are vowing to block the Everett plan, and a "pro" vote in Boston itself isn't a sure thing by any stretch. If you ask me, Milford is looking more and more like the path of least resistance, the smart choice, the best choice, the only choice.

Whatever. The experts will sort it all out. There's no need to keep an eye on this thing, or pester your selectmen, or go to casinofreemilford.com, or anything. There's nothing to worry about. I said, there's nothing to worry about.


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Comments (11)

I agree with the main point of this satire.....It's the TRAFFIC!! I no longer go to Route 9 to shop at Lowes or Target or Staples or Best Buy, etc. because of the traffic. Now, if the casino is built, going to Milford will be just as bad if not worse. Thinking that everyone is going to use 495 is just ludicrous. I already use backroads to avoid the traffic and congestion there.

- resident | 8/8/13 11:17 AM

I can't stand seeing someone wag a finger in another's face lecturing them on bigotry. Especially when the wagging is done by someone who made the decision to live and raise a family in lily-white Holliston. Why not live in South Framingham? Why not raise a family on Blue Hill Ave in Dorchester or Mattapan? I hear the Bromley-Heath housing project is lovely this time of year. The rent is a lot cheaper there. Someone with a good job could send their children to Harvard and retire at 45 with all the money saved.

- Frank L. | 8/4/13 7:58 PM

I think I'd rather be able to afford the lawn - I'll take a sign

- progressive greenie | 8/4/13 5:41 PM

Scott, You're welcome to indulge in all the name calling and wordplay you like. What I found offensive in Mr Bastille's comment about the"king's english" wasn't the witty wordplay, but the substance at issue. If the thrust of the Casi-no crowd opposition to the Milford development is based in plain old bigoted fear and resentment of people of the wrong social station maybe living in Holliston and expecting to see their kids educated here, well let's just say his signs aren't welcome on my lawn. [Not that I actually have a lawn.]

- Tom Driscoll | 8/4/13 12:58 PM

To Tom, If you read the heading it says satire. Why is it not Ok for Mr Bastille to use "the king's english" but you once wrote"Teabaggers", which I find much more disgusting. I do believe your buddy "Devalue" is the one forcing this upon our town. Lighten up!! I happen to be one of those residents who will be living under the glow of the casino, as well as Mr Bastille, so I find his satire a light hearted way to swallow the Mass.gov pill that is being stuffed down my throat.

- Scott Heavner | 8/4/13 11:08 AM

When does worrying ever do any good anyway? If we can't do anything about it, we might as well just go about our business and see what happens. Great article, sums up the various arguments nicely. ;)

- Jennifer | 8/4/13 10:30 AM

This is awesome! Do you think I could get paid to have my house painted with a Foxwoods logo, for freedom?

- tpartynitwit | 8/4/13 10:24 AM

The author's witticism and sense of satire is all well and good. But I've got to say I find the snide ironic assurance "[o]nly a handful of employees' kids will end up enrolling in grades K-12, and they'll all speak the King's English" is frankly (with absolutely no sense of irony) disgusting. Is that's what all this pseudo-civic umbrage is about? keeping swarthy foreigners out of our monochromatic/monocultural schools? If that's the case I suggest your values need adjusting anyway -property and otherwise.

- Tom Driscoll | 8/4/13 9:20 AM

Well written. Have you sent it to area newspapers for publication ... Please?

- HollRes | 8/4/13 9:04 AM

Traffic, congestion, crime, general alteration of a pretty area into a more industrial one - I'm right with you and am againt the casino. But I can't agree that more people in our community who don't speak English as their primary language or more diversity in our schools are problems and I wish people would stop beating this drum.

- Elizabeth Dembitzer | 8/4/13 8:51 AM

What did he say ??????

- Roger | 8/4/13 7:32 AM



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